I was so happy when I got back to Earth, when the war and subsequent fighting was done, I saw my family for the first time in six years? We went on 'vacation' together, to a beach far from the reach of American journalists (some still followed anyway) and I tried to tell them about my adventure. I was so excited to show them pictures of everything to get them the details to share my experience... My mom said it was a lot to keep up with, that she had a hard to keeping up with the events of the story. She suggested I try writing it all down instead.
We both knew she was asking me to stop talking, to stop talking about it, to leave it be. She wanted me to be home, she wanted to erase the last six years of grief she had been living through. I had missed her so much but I had been alive, having an adventure, growing and changing. For her... she had lost her daughter and the world was dark and sad. I came back but with me came the fighting, the heroics, the news, the awfulness of being a celebrity.
I never wrote down my adventures while I was "home". My mom never got to know all of it or even all of me. I wasn't the person that had disappeared. I guess now is as good a time as ever to start writing my adventures down...
I should start with Simul, since it is the most recent and on-going place I have lived. This all feels weird. I'd rather feel like I'm writing it for someone. I don't need to write it down for my memory, not anymore. I know- Vanessa. Hey. I can't assume you'll ever actually read this but I left you that long letter on the Baron's world. Hope you said Hi to him for me. I know you'll survive, you'll change, you might even be the one to kill him. Better him than me. Do you know what it's like to fall from low atmosphere and crash face-first into some sand on a mountain? That's how I got to Simul. Arrived mid-flight. Got sucked away from the place I had been and spat out into the night sky. I would have told you about that when we saw each other, if you hadn't been too busy killing me. Kind of fucked up you know?
You've never had a symbiote so fortunately you don't know the pain of wanting to live for them, and wanting to die because you've gone on too long. That was the struggle that day. The fear, pain, betrayal. The want to fight, the want to lose. If I had known the pain I would endure after you killed... Anyway. My arrival. [[10/6/2018]]
Imagine whistling wind, very fast speeds, being on fire, tumbling over and over, not knowing where the hell you are, not being able to stop your descent enough to not have broken ribs. Hah. So crash, boom, plume of red sand. Well, I had no idea it was red or that the mountains were red. It was night time and I immediately blacked out and was like that for two days at a guess. Ifirit and I were not sure.
So the first day awake and walking I spent looking for water and Acidus. Luckily he was not far away and he knew where to find water. I made a fire and I had to drink the water straight from the source, no pots or pans or water bottles. My whole right side was fucked up and my left arm too. Shitting myself from bacteria would not have added too much more pain or discomfort. I slept next to the fire. I don't know how long I slept before Acidus woke me up.
What kind of motherfucker walks up in the wild on a sleeping woman? But if he was gonna kill me he would have or at the very least, take my weapons? Unless he likes to hear his victims scream? Won't be me. Not tonight.
A man with elf ears. Liam Ashton. (Who would turn out to be a coward but we'll get to that later). He gave me a change of clothes and a HEALTH POTION! I could not believe it myself except I drank it and my injuries healed! It was incredible! And the things he said were there! DRAGONS?! Fucking hell.
I know, Nessa, you cannot understand my excitement because Terra didn't have fantasy books the way Earth did but still... This place was going to blow my mind, and it was going to be fucking amazing. A thousand questions came to mind but I couldn’t word vomit them at him, that would be weird and suspicious. I didn't have to worry too long, he pulled out a map and started explaining stuff to me.
I learned that Simul is a free-for-all fantasy novel.
You would never believe my excitement, my heart pounding in my recently healed chest, my ears ringing with adrenaline. I wanted to live and I wanted to enjoy myself and the world I was in.
Blah blah blah. I saw him naked, blah blah. I also learned Liam was fucking dangerous and there were more people like him, just as dangerous or moreso. I learned of Tenebra and Timothy.
He ran off into the woods and I was sure I knew something of what the sword would have me involved in. We flew south, to Dry Gulch.
Down in Dry Gulch [[10/12/18]]. Really a beautiful place. Lots of hard working people. I'm not much for farming and I've never really been good at keeping a plant alive, but I could probably find a way to eek out a living in Dry Gulch if I had to.
I ran around begging for work or coin or spare items, having realized it was autumn on the walk in. Had nothing but 10 copper coins when I was directed to the tavern. A very nice redhead was behind the bar, Marlene. She was wonderful, only taking 3 of my paltry coins and giving me a bowl of vegetable soup and some cider. Really, I can't imagine what I would have eaten that night without her kindness.
Anyway, a local was kind enough to explain a few things to me about the people being not so giving. They had just concluded harvest and all the money and items they had were to get them through to the next. Made sense. There was also.. Creepy Cal.
One of those leering types. I ignored him.
I did get a bit of reading done and fell asleep on a little couch by the fire. Marlene had to wake me up. I think she felt bad about it but it wasn't courteous of me to sleep in the common area and there were rooms available. I was just too poor to afford one. She gave me a note of someone to go help and I took it and went outside for a walk around.
Creepy Cal thought he might follow me, have a go at me. Hah. I surprised him, attacking in kind, and destroyed his "cloak of darkness" so he couldn't prey on anyone else. Then off to a grove of trees near a stream Acidus had found to sleep in the dirt like an animal.
I wouldn't be back to Dry Gulch in a little over two years.
So travel from Dry Gulch is a little hazy. I met a hobbit named Henry! Hobbits are small, long-lived people, with hairy feet! We were both headed to Eleutheria, the capital of Simul. I also met a tiefling. Geez Nessa, it's almost dumb to write all of this for you- what is the point if you never had any time to read any Earth books or watch any of our movies? To you Simul is just another place with more strangers. To me though it's everything I always wanted as a kid growing up and,honestly, all the way up to the point I went to Terra.
In Eleutheria, Henry helped me get set up with a nice travel kit. Sturdy tent, good sleeping bag, small items. Of course I was doing a lot of work, running around, trying to scrape together the coin I needed for the items Henry suggested. He was a very nice fellow but eventually we parted. I left Eleutheria to travel and ended up in Skyhaven.
It was winter. Cold, Abysmal. I was starving and Ifirit was probably running on fumes, he was using his energy to keep me from freezing to death at night. We made the best of it, living in the tent on a wood just outside the city. Walk into the city every day to do odd jobs. Then I found that wheelbarrow and started hauling around goods. At least then we could make enough coin in a day to eat, sort of.
That is where I met Lyanna and Kurisu.
Kurisu is connected to Lyanna's past by way of- well, he travels but he also touches different timelines.
Lyanna is connected to Liam. She doesn't have purple murder eyes but- Timothy has also entrapped her.
On that day I was not too keen on Kurisu. He really approached Lyanna (pregnant at the time) way too pushy with too much information that she didn't know. It was not an interaction that was going well. Lyanna was already a freaked out mother-to-be so- I got a little protective. She was my client after all, she had hired me to help her shop, and this dude was ruining the vibe.
Kurisu left and Lyanna and I got a tavern room together. She told me a lot about the situation, after I had told her about meeting Liam. It was a scary prospect, getting involved in this type of thing and I was sure the sword would want to... but Lyanna was also encouraging. Not in regards to herself, but rather Liam.
Hah. Let's just say, I make amazing choices. But you know that already Nessa?
[[pretend all of the other adventures and memories up to the end of 2021 are here... >.>]]
Just found this journal in my bag of holding while I was looking for something else. Strange how the bag sometimes 'hands' me things that I'm not looking for or even remember.
So, an update. I am single and a land owner. Not titled yet but... maybe some day I will earn something of a title. Things are... yeah. I am camping in the woods of my property. I had been staying in Concordia but things have...happened. Silver is missing and Lyanna is filled with grief and anger and I can only do so much. I can't say I am enjoying my time camping but I am close enough to Arbrestor I can sleep in a warm bed if I want to but maybe I'm not done being uncomfortable.
The above doesn't make sense without knowing. A summary. My ex went to Galactic Timeout (prison, his whole family is imprisoned in their realm). Vincent was killed by Timothy.
A bunch of shit has happened between those two events and since then.
I will maybe have a friendship with a large rabbit? Granted I hired her to help knock down trees on the property to eventually build a home (haha... imagine having a permanent home). Logging isn't so bad and it goes rather quick thanks to magic. I will be able to make some decent money from selling the wood. Then it will likely take years to get something built. I don't know anything about building a house and the land is so large and the money it will take to pay people... I don't even want to go gather quotes.
I should probably write about Elowen but I can't. My blood still literally boils sometimes... at least, that's what it feels like.
Just note to future self that some women, no matter how beautiful or funny or smart or kind-seeming, may actually, literally, be poisoning you with every touch...
Vanessa, Cyrus,
I've missed you the past few months. The non-toxic us was always... something. But when were we not toxic? Me and Vanessa. Me and Cyrus. Vanessa and Cyrus (non-romantic, obviously). The truth was, no matter the amount of time and clarity that has passed, we weren't right. So why do I miss you? Predictability? Familiarity? Why did I get engaged to one and chase the other?
We were young when we met. Me moreso than either of you. And you both... saw or wanted something from me that I knew I didn't have. But I so badly wanted to be something or someone more than I was at the time. Neither one of you asked me what I thought at the time, of yourselves or myself. Typical stressed-out young people shit.
I was fat and unflattering and already totally convinced I was unworthy of love. Convinced I would never have someone love me. I didn't even love myself. The idea of anyone finding me physically attractive; wanting to have s-e-x with me was absolutely ludicrous. But you both came on hard and I tested the waters and I dared myself, told myself, I should give in to the experience.
Eventually you'd see me for what I was and realize I am nothing so- I had better have this experience versus never having it. Right? I was young and vulnerable and far away from family and not yet trusting that the new reality I was in was real. I was quite convinced I was having a long, detailed dream. I had to have been in a coma.
Things were fucked up back then. I did things I shouldn't have and you wanted and expected things you shouldn't have. An adult should have been there to stop me but someone decided I was mature enough to wander around alone among a military based filled with hotblooded orphans and up-and-coming Nenemki. We all wanted to prove something. We all hurt each other in the process.
All this to say... my chosen relationships are not any less complicated.
You are safe where you are. In the past.
Also. Freddie. I have no bad memories of you and I. Thank you.
What do you do when your friend is beyond cursed and no amount of hope will pull them out? I want to be helpful. Just let me be there. I was lucky to have people with me in the beginning. But by the end? When I first came here? I had no one. No one to understand, no one to want me to be free. My curse allowed others to get what they wanted; to be victorious in their campaigns (so long as they were on the side the Sword agreed with). They didn't care about the curse.
Someone else keeps trying to tell me to run away, to go away. I don't want to. I just want to be here in those times of need. I want to offer to someone else what was not available to me. I'll go away, only if she tells me she doesn't want me, or won't have me anymore. Otherwise, I'm not running. I don't run anymore.
Why can't he see that?
Annoying.