Dissilio 6th, 9400
My mom keeps telling me: Memories are important.
I have never really thought so. My memory is nearly perfect. I may not remember the day that I was born, but I remember anything important. Like her birthday. Or my father's. Or my own. I remember to bathe everyday. I remember to stay inside as much as possible. I remember to do my studies and get good grades and every single gift I have ever gotten. My mother still insists that I write down everything. She wants me to recall emotions, mostly. She doesn't have to say this, but I know that is what she wants. I guess I have gone a little numb to life lately. Perhaps she is worried?
This day has been uneventful. I woke, I bathed, I spent at least thirty minutes brushing my hair. I will never understand why she doesn't let me cut it a little shorter. We had breakfast. I attempted to return to school, but was sent home, per usual, due to no fault of my own. I understand their fear of me, I suppose. It's not contagious. One would think that the general populace would understand that after so many of us. I can no longer waste negative energy on the jade. I will just study, and when the time is right, and my education has finished, move to a place more accepting. I have been reading up on Timberholde. I would just be another civilian there.
It is three months away, but I was already forced to promise my mother I would attend the festival. It is her and father's anniversary, after all. I am not sure what to present them as a gift. Shopping alone is already difficult enough, with being turned away from more than half of them already. It was always easier to wander the city with my parents...but I am too old for that now. Father says I need to be more independent, but I think mother is right. People look at me strangely when they are not around. Fear does funny things to people.
Dissilio 8th, 9400
Sometimes I think it better if I left.
I don't hate my parents. I don't hate this city. I just hope, somewhere out there, there are more like me. Concordia cannot be all there is. Not with all the types of people who come through, selling and offering things. Most of the people here look the same. Well, they have the same features, for the most part. But I have seen so many people that have different skins and eyes and ears and even tails. There is more out there. I know it.
I suppose I will try to find the perfect gift another day.
Dissilio 21st, 9400
As the end of the month draws near, I am reminded of all the things I did not accomplish, yet again. I did not finish my school work. I did not attend every class. I did not buy my parents gift. I did not leave the house every day. I did not clean my room. I did not obey my parents to the best of my abilities. I did not keep my mind in check.
I wish that there was a person who was more familiar with the thing that happens to some of us. I do not believe it is something to be feared. I think that, if someone would just give us a chance, they would realize that not all of us are bad. We are not born bad. We are just born different. There are only three of us now. I don't know if that is a bad thing. Sometimes, I wonder if they are right. Maybe that is why they do not try and figure it out? I can't ask my parents. My mother just kisses my forehead and tells me everything is fine. My father refuses to answer me. It's like he doesn't see me when I ask about it.
I want to write more. As my mother said, this is a good way to remember things. But...they days are getting harder. I don't know why they are, all of a sudden, getting to me.
There really has to be more out there. There has to be someone that is not afraid of us. Right?
Dissilio 24th 9400
A new man moved in next door. It's strange seeing someone who is not Concordian live within our city. Mother says we are a welcoming people, but we are not very diverse here. I am guessing it is why I want to leave here so badly. If not for this man, I might have left last night...
I know, I am supposed to write down everything, even the bad, but I will not. Not this time. This time, I will do as I always do, and come to terms with it on my own.
His name is Floyd and he is an animal folk. That is how he out it anyway. He has cat ears atop his head rather than normal ears. And he has a tail that he lets flail around. He says it has a mind of its own. His teeth look sharp, but he is rather friendly. He says he moved to Concordia because of all his travels every year for the festival. I vaguely remember. Though I pestered him to tell me what it is he plans this year, he didn't reveal it. He told me it was a secret. A secret that might make my teeth hurt. Had he not smiled, I might have been concerned.
Dissilio 26th 9400
Sometimes I wish I could not wake up. For some reason...I don't want to tell them that.
Dissilio 27th 9400
My mother always says "Memories are all we leave behind." I suppose she is right. Though the days seem bad sometimes, I don't want to leave behind memories of me being destroyed by them. I don't want my family to remember me as someone who was broken or defeated by life. I may not be like the others, but I am still a good person. I have to believe that, lest the sad part of me change my mind for the worst.
I made today a good day. I even left the house by myself again. I heard the whispers and watched their eyes avert, but it did not stop me from visiting my favorite sweet shop. I even had enough to buy my parents their favorite treats. A apple pastry for mom and a raspberry drizzled one for dad. Lucky for them, I didn't eat them before I got home.
It's almost like mom had read my mind. She prepared my favorite for dinner. Steak and eggs and so many different cheeses, I wasn't sure if I could eat it all! This was a memory I wanted to remember.
Stirps 3rd 9400
I wasn't really looking forward to traveling to Dun'Lorn...so I should be happy we are not going. Yet, something keeps bothering me about not going. Perhaps I want to get out of this city for a while. I wonder if they would notice me gone for a few days? I know it is a silly thought. They watch me like a hawk. I could not simply disappear. I love my parents, and they love me. I guess I will stay this time.
Stirps 5th 9400
This morning, my mom said something that didn't hit me until this afternoon.
"We are all blessed. What we choose to do with our blessings can either create or destroy. None of us are born vile. That is something we choose to become."
Such a conversation started because of my nightmare. I told her about it. How I had been such a terrible person. It almost felt like I was awake, inside of my own mind, but I could not control myself or the direction in which things transpired. I knew I was dreaming, but I could not force myself awake. I watched behind my own eyes as my body did things...terrible things. Things that the people here say I will become eventually. I woke without air. I couldn't scream. All I could do was sit in my sweat and try to catch my breath.
I am glad I told her. I am glad that I have my parents. It makes me feel bad even considering going out on my own. What would I ever do without them?
Stirps 10th 9400
I think I have decided what to get my parents, but I will wait before I write it down. It has to be perfect.
Between the pages, below the two sentences, a dry pressed tiger lily flower, perfectly flat had stained the thick paper.
Stirps 12th, 9400
Floyd came over today. He brought my parents a "Thank you" gift for helping his friend. I wasn't there to witness it, but mother had been called away the day he moved in. She was gone for two days, and father didn't seem to mind. He just told me to be patient. "She is the best healer of our city. She is needed." I suppose he was right, but it did worry me at the time. Whatever she did, it must've been a great feat. He brought a large basket of various vials and bottles and even some home made treats he said he had spent days perfecting. I received a gift too, but I don't think father was too happy about it. I heard him ask Floyd why he chose to bring me something when I hadn't been there. I didn't get to hear the answer. It matters not. The flowers he brought are my favorite.
Stirps 18th, 9400
I am not feeling well today. Mother has been doing her best, but it seems the only thing to help is the soup that Floyd had brought by. I think he may be a friend. I have never had one before and I am not sure how to be a friend. Father said I have been doing a great job at it, but I don't know what it is I am doing? Maybe it's because I am sick. I hope this fever passes.