Cyra's Journal

After a thirty-day long travel, we are finally here in Simul. I can’t describe how happy I am to sit on a soft surface in a stable room although, I would have preferred a bed over this… futon, yes, that’s how they call it, everything about this place reminds me that I am far away from home.

The climate is different, the air is wet and cold with a hint of wet earth and wood and even I can feel late winter days on my skin. On our way here I’ve counted twelve different types of trees, my favorite the tall one with a trunk too thick for a grown man to carry and leaves red, like bloody hands. They have some of these trees here too but most of them are covered in snow, except the one that hung above the spring. The steam had melted the snowflakes away, probably even before they could lay on the red leaves.

Tomorrow morning I’ll be presenting our goods to the host. Unfortunately, the heir of the clan, Lord Kurisu, was otherwise occupied, his brother Lord Hideki will be the one I will have to negotiate with. If I may be frank, my pride got a little insulted when we were informed that Lord Kurisu hadn’t inform anyone about our arrival, this makes me question his trust. His brother seems to be reliable, still the fact that he questioned the Ahaa’ehmian traditions and forced me to share a room with my servants was a second insult I had to ignore today. Perhaps contacting the Tokuro clan wasn’t wise, we could aim for the King instead.

Speaking of the Lordgeneral, he is quite a peculiar man with a slightly damaged mind, I am afraid. From the first minutes of our encounter accidentally he had shared shards of his dark and chaotic past. As a person who can’t entirely control her power, I am willing to ignore that part too. I don’t think he wanted us to know about the sadness he had to go through, it just happened. Perhaps he was anxious to be the one dealing with a royalty? Afterall, he wasn’t expecting us.

But then he spoke about Gods and how he was a victim to one, Thanatos a God of men that lived beyond the sea. He spoke of Bastet too claiming that they were allies, something that made me question his sanity. Fortunately, my stay will be short, I’ve promised him a day. I know it isn’t enough for my body to rest, I saw the doubt in Ahim’s face when I offered the deal, the girls weren’t happy either. We were all exhausted, still a promise is a promise, and I don’t intend breaking it.

I have to rest now for I have a plan ahead. After everyone is falls asleep I am planning to leave to find Shayanna. We have some matters to discuss… She must come home.

One day in and I screwed up!

That’s what happens when you follow your false hopes rather than your logical mind. Remember my plan to leave here and find Shayanna? Well, along with all the unintended insults of the clan Tokuro, I had ignored one more thing – this place was ruled by magic users, of course they would have spelled the place. Safety was important to them. It demonstrated that at our very first encounter when lady Akari had asked us to step into the sigil first that would identify our intentions. So why did I believe that opening a portal in their grounds will have worked? So foolish of me.

I was stopped by the Lordgeneral and his family, fortunately the mask hid my identity from them. After quickly measuring the odds, I understood that meeting their terms would be the safest way. I had just one request – I would reveal my intentions to one member of the clan and return what was “stolen”. As expected, the Lordgeneral accepted.

He was surprised when he found out that the person behind the jackal’s maw was me. When I was asked where I was heading too, I lied upon instinct and to my big surprise he opened a portal to get me to my destination – the lake named Torra. I knew he didn’t buy my excuse, still he did as I asked, and we found ourselves falling down the night sky like a pair of shooting stars. I must confess, it was nice to share this moment with someone else.

We spent some time together, talking about random stuff that didn’t matter and when the sun peeked from the mountains we returned back, we had a business to discuss after all. After he helped me into the room, the Lordgeneral returned to his duties and I returned to mine and we went through the day like nothing had happened, pretending that we didn’t call each other by the first name.

The presentation went well. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the chance to demonstrate the sword's power. See, my plan was to invite the Lordgeneral to test the sword in a friendly sword spar he had to test the metal in action, these swords are the pride of our Kingdom and my own. It’s a pity we lost such a chance, I wanted to spar with him to test my limits and his, maybe it was for the best. After the deal was sealed Ahim and the girls escorted by Hideki’s parents went to explore the city and get some souvenirs, I stayed behind and so did the Lordgeneral.

He invited me to the top of the Alderman-mountains for… I am not sure why. The place was beautiful, but the winds were strong, and I had to dig my sandals into the knee-high snow and hide myself behind him to somehow shelter myself. Still, the cold was the last thing that bothered me. Right then and there the first hint was given to me, this man had no idea how to behave around someone with my status. What was he thinking when he invited me there? What was the point of this travel except having the silky skirts all trapped in between my legs?

He insisted on touching my skin, unable to understand my concerns and eventually, he took what he wanted. I hated every moment of it. He had robbed me from the opportunity to discover things for myself! The way his skin felt, was it soft or rough, cold or warm and the very fact that he showed some sort of resistance to the heat of my body. Understandably, I didn’t react to this selfish act very well and when I requested to leave, a shadow-like creature appeared, a creature that now we call Ik’edih. For some reason Hideki decided that I was in danger and he swapped me off my feet and glided down the mountain, bringing me back to the hot springs.

Once again, we found ourselves standing outside of the window of my chambers when I saw Hideki falling to his knees, his face pale. I was mad at that point, still am, but only a soulless creature would leave him outside in the cold. In fact, if he would have fallen from that roof, I would be accused for yet another assassination and then we would have another clan bunging at our gates.

So, I helped him up and led him inside. Little did I know that from that moment and after things would take the downhill. Our conversation lasted longer than I expected, it was nice to talk to him, to take care of someone without thinking when you touched them and for how long. Despite the weird vocabulary he chose to use such as ‘nerd’ and ‘prolly’, he was pleasant to talk to. And then…

When we realized that Ahim and the rest were back given no other choice we pretended to have become something more than just friends. I gave him my thigh ring along with a letter and made him promise he would deliver to Shayanna right before I let him lay in the bed. From that moment and after everyone in the house as well as Father became aware of our nontraditional union. But as per usual, I had a plan. Hideki and I would carry out this act for about a month. Then eventually I will inform father that our roads parted, and life would go on. Yet, Hideki suggested giving this a try. His eye sparkled when he looked at me and I, well, I didn’t hate spending my time with him. Furthermore, his resistance to the heat was something worth a try. So, I agreed.

About forty minutes after, I regretted everything…

Now we are on our way back to Ahaa’ehm and I feel torn between facts and decisions. It was revealed to us that Hideki and Kurisu as well as Kuritoo and Mira and whoever the damn exists out there- are the same person just from different timelines. This explains the sibling memory thing that they have, they share the information because they are the same person. But how am I supposed to trust him when I don’t know him. What if circumstances order him out of this world and I have given myself to him? And what if all the darkness he went through would be unleashed on me and my people? I know I am selfish right now, but unlike him I am no copy of someone, I am me and I am the only version in my world. My fall will have consequences. I am angry, at him, at life, at every little thing that brought us together.

We have been on the road for a while now. Fifteen moons I have counted, fifteen restless nights I’ve endured. I am not the one to sleep at night but there was a different reason that kept me awake these days. At first it was pure anger that stirred inside my head playing the same scenes over and over. Then it was the self-loath and harsh critique that I gave to myself and my behavior. And now…Now is the analytic part of me that tries to give a logical explanation to all my actions and reactions.

When I look at my behavior in retrospect, I can clearly point my finger to where the things went wrong. For instance, I had to keep my guard up towards Hideki. Trusting a man who had shown signs of distress at first sight was naïve. And yet, if I had the chance to go back in the moment when he had prevented me from crossing the portal, I would trust him once more.

I don’t believe in love at first sight, I don’t believe in princes on white horses either. What I believe whatever I can explain, break, and simplify into consequential complexions of emotions, attitudes, and actions. I believe in fate and that every outcome -negative or positive- has an educational meaning. So, I ask myself, why do I trust this stranger? The answer is one: Because my intuition tells me so. Maybe it's my feline nature that grants me a heightened sense, or maybe I develop a new ability, but I can feel it vibrating in the core – Hideki is as genuine as a man can be.

This gives life to another question: If my trust in him is so great, why does his odd origin concern me that much? An easy question to answer– because I am responsible. Engaging with a man from another time and place holds surprises that I am not willing to unleash on Ahaa’ehm. My life decisions are directly linked to the Kingdom of Ahaa’ehm. My downfall means the end of our legacy. If I was just a simple girl things would have been different. Probably I would have spent a day or two on accepting the concept of multiple universes, timelines and wouldn’t even bother with the details or the potential threads.

When I was younger, I dreamed of my perfect prince; he would be tall like a mountain and strong like a dragon and handsome as a God. He would bring me flowers everyday just to make me smile, and when away – a servant would continue bringing flowers in his stead, so I do not sink in sadness. And when he was back from his grant quest and he was granted with an iron title and fame I would give him my ring and he would accept it, asking my father for my hand a delicate ring in his hand. When Jahan died, my dream prince died with him and as I watched his corpse burn and my childish dreams burned too.

When I look at Hideki, I see a man that could fit the image of my childhood prince. He is handsome, tall, and big as a mountain. His eyes have the color of the spring grass and his smile, both dangerous and alluring as it is, can charm your mind to an eternal submission. But I am not a child anymore. I want something more than just a pretty picture. What I want is raw brutality, a strategic mind, the enigmatic personality, a cunning intelligence. A man whose actions speak for him, a man who I will look up to like I look up to my father.

Unfortunately, Hideki isn’t a man like that. Perhaps that’s how the men of his world are sensitive, transparent and handsome – nothing but pretty shells to have for a night or two. Maybe it is too early to judge him, but I judge by the first impressions he gave me. Certainly, he isn’t the enigmatic part given the fact that he spilled the secrets of his past right away. I think I am more attracted to that dark past of his than the man he is today. Then why can’t I stop thinking about him?

There is a possibility that I feel responsible for trapping him in this quicksand I call life. He said he wants to give this act a try and I agreed. But the truth is I am not so sure he will make it through. And even if by some magical reason he will, he is too attached to his family to become my man. Additionally, Ahim said he has nothing to offer to our Kingdom but himself looking at him from the political side – I could do better. Although will I find another who will withstand my touch?

Since I've met him I start questioning my future not as the Queen of Ahaa'ehm but as a woman. The possibility of love took a tiny place in my tight schedule and I know one thing - I hate when someone messes with my schedule.

If only I had heard my instinct back then. If only I had read you again to remind myself of who he really was. But no. Being stubborn and foolish as I am, I decided to just give it a try. And for what? Because I wanted to love, to feel loved. Well, how does it feel now when I love, but was never really loved? Was it love to begin with? Or was it just a traditional way of my mind to deceive me, making me believe I am in love in order to ensure that my race won't become extinct?

Even now that everyone is safe I still can't shake off the fear. Tawny, that sadistic bastard had Melody in his filthy hands, using her as a tool to get to me and what Hideki did? Nothing. He knew she was in danger and he did absolutely nothing. I’ve trusted him. Hell, I loved him. And that is how he repays me? And like this is not enough, his bloodsucker brother risked Bes! Why? Because for some stupid reason he thought it appropriate to bring an ten year old boy he knew just for a day to the cemetery! What the fuck is it wrong with these people?

If Kuritoo was such a great scholar he claimed to be, he would have known of the Summoners curse. He would have known how dangerous contact with a spirit could be. When we found Bes he was burning… Thank the Gods Ali was fast to react and brought him to Caspian, the man that made a suggestion then, one I couldn’t refuse. We could either try to treat it traditionally with medicine and healers or we could transfer the disease. Of course I chose the latter option, it was faster and more sufficient.

Caspian never confessed it and I never pressured him for an answer, but I am certain when he was making this offer he knew I would be becoming the next Anchor to the other side. Pretty title isn’t it? Well, the job isn’t. Technically I’ve become the door between living and dead, the bridge to a world similar to ours. Only, in that world, time stands still and the supernatural souls are forced to experience the same day, over and over again. No, I am not an angel to bring souls to paradise, I am a freaking grim reaper bringing them to purgatory. Once you are in, there is no way out unless of course there is a supernatural mambo jumbo involved. Or my death.

Never before had I felt my blood boiling this much in my veins. The idea of getting vengeance is so damn sweet and alluring. I lost to my madness that night, the darkness taking control of my body. Until this day I have no clue what I was doing when I was trapped in the maze of my mind, but somehow I found the way back and I feel somehow relieved.

I can see clearly now. I know what I have to do. Cutting all ties with the Tokuro would be a disadvantage for Ahaa’ehm. They do have wealth and technological knowledge far greater than ours. What I am going to do is far darker and greater. I will make him regret every lie he ever told, and wish he had never met me.

I am going to make him scream even if that means I have to see myself bleeding first.

I’ve spent the past four months coping, dealing, acting… waiting. But he never showed up. I know I was setting the bridges on fire when I told him never to see me again, leave Ahaa’ehm and never come back. I was angry, disappointed, boiling with rage. When he left that day, I was relieved, I didn’t have to put up with his lame excuses, and half meant apologies. Nevertheless, a side of me hoped he would pursue the chance talking to me, winning me over again. Isn't this what real men do when they have feelings?

Instead, all I got was the thigh ring I gave him, the symbol of my devotion to him, laying on the nightstand near my bed. He was here last night. In the palace, in my room and he didn’t find it appropriate to talk to me and say goodbye. Is this what I deserved? Is this how much he cared for me? Is this what real men do?

I’ll admit it. I overestimated him. My hopeless mind was desperate to believe he could be the man I needed him to be. I was foolish even to think he could cope with all the responsibility, that he had the requirements to be the one to sit on the throne beside me. How could he rule a kingdom when he ran away at the sight of the slightest issue? When he didn’t know what loyalty meant?

The man by my side had to be quick-witted, confident, brave, honest, passionate, and he had to have a grip around me. He knew that, and I told him that. I never said I was easy to handle, I never said I was easy to be with. Gods, I even told him I was too hard for him to chew! I never said I was normal. I was trying to be, but I am not!

I can be discouraging, repealing, castrating. I might look tame, but a lion within me wishes to be free. I knew he would be lost in the maze my mind is. Even I can’t find the way out sometimes. But little did I know that he won’t even make it past the first turn. He was given tons of warnings, yet he insisted, and I believed him. He wanted to prove himself, and I let him. What a total waste of time.

And now I’ve been left to count the hours, replaying all scenes in my head, wondering where I did wrong. Call me arrogant, but I don’t see my mistake here. He knew what he was dealing with, and finally, I was proven right to doubt him. He bit more than he could chew, and now he is gone, with his tail -even though draconic- tucked between his legs.

Ha! Look at that! A dragon couldn’t handle a kitten with claws. Pathetic.

For your pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-v48VQBO7M

I don’t consider myself a know-it-all. I lack so much knowledge, and I don’t find it embarrassing admitting so. Yet the topic of soulmates always entertained me. I have met people worldwide; some were travelers visiting our realm from worlds I had never heard of before, and some locals. When I asked them to share their opinion on the concept of soulmates, each of them would tell me a beautiful tale with fictional figures, some would even use objects I could very well visualize, such as the sun and the moon. While the story might differ, one thing always remained the same: the need for two souls to reunite.

When I was a child, my mother told me countless times how I would find my soulmate one day. Just like she did. He would be handsome and brave, and we would complete each other in all aspects. But the time I dreamed about princes on white horses wasn’t immortal, nor was the time I was a child. When I grew up, I realized I didn’t need a man in my life to feel whole or feel beautiful. If I weren’t happy with what I had in life, no male would be able to make me feel better about it. Yet, the concept of a soulmate is one I never stopped studying.

How were all these people so sure they were with the right person? And how was true love even possible when you were so deeply involved in political shenanigans? My cousin Ali was the one to talk about soulmates and the magic that lay behind almost every night. He was pretty obsessed with this topic for a guy who changed his women as often as he changed his shirt. However, no matter how much Ali would insist, I never believed in the concept of soulmates.

What I believed in, though, was the power of instinct. You know, that feeling that originates in your belly that makes you feel odd. The range of that feeling is broad, and I still don’t know the meaning of the most. But I got well familiarized with one.

When I met Boone, I felt like falling, my stomach turning inside out. At that time, I thought it was the fact he had mentioned them, the Tokuro. If only I had known how wrong I was. How could I miss all the hints? Boone was no gift. He made sure his attitude was repealing enough to keep me away at a length of a sword. Yet, it didn’t work. Behind his obnoxious attitude, behind all boyish smile and brave words, I saw a man who was as scared as I was. He was lost, roaming in the shadows life had cast upon him, and I… I was lost in someone else's lies.

Boone excited me in ways I hadn’t experienced in ages. Every word that fell from his lip was like a newly found breath. His stories had me captive, offering a chance to escape from the reality I was living in. He would share a story of a woman that had gone through seven hells and was still battling for a life she deserved, always avoiding talking about a person I was interested in the most -him.

I was so thrilled when I asked him a question and had actually received an answer! It was strange, but it felt as if I had known him for ages. Even now, I lack the words to explain what I felt there… Have you ever experienced that moment when it feels like a greater power from above is pushing you towards the right decisions, towards what was right for you? That is how I felt with him. I knew how to hear him out, not just to listen. How to read between the lines he had given me to find what he was so ashamed to speak about. And in return, he knew how to read my concealed feelings and recognize what I was genuinely longing to ask but didn’t for reasons I had yet to share.

We made an agreement, and I gave him two months of my time in exchange for more of his stories. Was I so eager to find more about the heroine of his tale, Lyanna Legend? No. I just hadn’t realized how attached I was growing to him back then.

We spend fifteen wonderful days together, getting to know each other's personalities and oddities. Boone would tell me how he liked pastries and the autumn pallet, and I would share with him how I had made black my color when my favorite color was yellow. We became quite fond of each other even though he or I would step over our pride to admit there was more than just companionship. It wasn’t a sign of friendship when he kissed my forehead in the mornings, thinking I was still asleep, nor was when I invited him into my bed every single night. There was something more.

On the morning of the fifteenth day, I woke up to a cold room, and Boone was gone. It didn’t take long for me to find the bedside note that told me I should be taking the day for myself and that he would be later that day. Carelessly I did as the message suggested and focused on some tasks I kept postponing while in Boone’s company. When I returned to an empty bed that night, my feelings became clearer.

Boone wasn’t just a man that kept my mind occupied with his stories. He wasn’t just a riddle I was trying to solve. He was the one. I realized I couldn’t function without him. He had occupied my thoughts entirely, and when he was gone, all air had left me too. I began to search for him then, visiting the places he had shown me. Every time I left our room, I would leave him a note if he returned and I wasn’t there. These were by far the three darkest days in my life. I’ve lost my appetite. Thoughts of something terrible that had happened to him kept me away at night. And not even for once had I thought on giving up. That much I trusted his word.

On the third day, he returned looking a bloody mess. That was the day I sold the claim to my soul to someone who wanted it as much as I wished to Boone alive. I didn’t hesitate, not even for a moment. And if I had the chance to replay the incidents, I would do the same because, in my eyes, there is no life without him. I was whole before. I was happy. But I didn’t have a reason. Boone is my reason.

The reason I want to wake up early in the morning is only to catch a gleam of his sleeping face. He is the reason I want to keep smiling, just to see him smiling back at me. He is the reason I want to grow into something he would love and admire. I call him a monster because that is how he characterized himself once, and I will continue calling him this way until he realizes that I am not afraid. When I told him I wanted him to be mine, I invited his demons too.

So, going back to the start. What is a soulmate, and do they truly exist? I don’t know. But I know that I found a man that worth risking everything for. A man with so match darkness in his life, yet he is a colorful aspect in mine. I gave myself to him, my entire existence lays in his palm. All it takes for me to cease existing is for him to squeeze, and I am absolutely fine with it.